My Lover, My Life, My Baby, My Wife
by 8urcookie
Summary: A sudden change of fate causes Edward to lose the love of his life. He doesn't know how to cope with it. My first songfic. AH BxE Oneshot. Rated T for the one curse word that I was forced to include.


**This is my first songfic. It's titled after my favorite line. The song is Just a Dream by Nelly. I hope I did okay. Sorry for those that are waiting for The Wardrobe. I'll get right on that. Everyone just decided that they had to drag me out this week.**

**Which brings me to how I got the idea for this. So one of my friends took a summer writing class at this university that is somewhat close by (if a one hour public transport trip is close). Her class was ending so she invited me to the picnic that was there. While we were in line for food, this song was playing from some hidden speakers. And then viola! Lightbulb over the head, the heavens opened up, the angels sang. I got this little storyline. I hope it's cute.**

**I also hope I got Edward's depressed voice right. I actually don't know anything about sadness. I like being a fairly happy person and no one close to me has died yet. I also skipped a whole chorus at the end because it would've been useless rambling. Tell me how I did and what I could do to improve...I also don't know what genre this is supposed to be in. Hehe.**

**P.S. I wrote this whole thing while listening to the song (again and again and again.)**

**I was just informed that I'm not allowed to have lyrics of a song I didn't write. And since I didn't write this song, I have instead censored where the lyrics should be. I hope you guys can still understand it.**

* * *

I stared at the white walls of my bedroom, but I wasn't seeing a wall. All I saw was _her_ eyes. _Her_ deep chocolate brown orbs staring at me with love. _Her_ perfectly kissable lips curved up into a smile. _Her_ mahogany hair flowing perfectly past her shoulders.

I groaned at the pain. It hurt. So very bad. Like there was a large weight pressed against my chest. I could barely even manage breathing. I thought about giving up. I really didn't need to breathe. It was unnecessary. Ah! But what would _she_ think if I just gave up? I curled up and pressed my forehead to my knees. I took another painful breath and let out a weak whimper.

I remembered what heaven was like. I remembered how it felt to have an angel in my arms. To have _her_ hand in mine. To feel her lips against mine. To hear her beautiful laugh ring in my ears and know that I was what caused her to be that happy.

_**** **'** ***** **_

To wake up and find her making breakfast. To fantasize about what our future would've been. Could've been. Should've been.

What should've been such an easy task wore me out, but I was finally able to peel my eyelids back. I didn't want to have my eyes open. I didn't want to see. What was the point if all I saw was an empty house, devoid of my Bella.

But no. She isn't my Bella. Not anymore.

She used to be. I didn't want to think about that, though. I wanted to close my eyes. At least then I could imagine that she was still mine. That my closet was not half empty. That her car would drive up any minute and she'd tell me all about work.

That she'd run into my arms as soon as she was through the door. She'd kiss me until we were both dizzy. We'd realize an hour too late that she had left her keys in the door. Like she does every single evening. She was always so happy to come back home. To me.

_**** *** **** ****?_

But she wasn't coming back. Not this time. I had messed up. I know I did. It would never be her fault for this, only mine. She was too perfect to ever be at fault.

I prayed. For the first time in years. I prayed that she would come back. I didn't know if anyone heard me. I didn't know if anyone would answer, but I had to try.

I've only lived for three hours without her and I finally understood.

She was everything. My life with her was the best; flawless. So perfect that it was almost a dream. It was a dream that I wasn't ready to let go yet. I didn't want to wake up. Ever.

_* *** ** *** *** *** **'* **** *'* ** *** ********_

Being with her was heaven. But I did something wrong. I fell down from heaven and straight into hell(o. Just 'cuz I can't bring myself to curse).

Her voice when she told me that there was someone else and that she didn't want to lead me on. She sounded guilty, her doe eyes had a bit of fear in them. What was she scared of? Me? Did she think I would've been mad? At any other time I would've laughed at the idea. I could never be mad at her. It was an impossibility. About as likely as falling up. **(I love Shel Silverstien. He's so funny)**

_* ***** *** **** * ***'* **** **_

I slammed my fist against the floor. It didn't cause any damage. I didn't even feel the pain that should've come from the force of it. For the first time, I cursed the heavily carpeted floor. The carpet that I had installed to cushion my angel whenever she fell. It was useless anyways. I would always catch her.

_******* *******'* *** ** ****_

I couldn't anymore. I wouldn't be the one to catch her. She would be in the arms of another. I remembered her mentioning the name of the lucky man that had her in his arms now, but I couldn't remember the name. I thought it started with a J. Jackie..Joseph..John…or did it start with an M? Was it….

_*** *** ***'* ******, **** * ***'* *****_

Ahhh! I couldn't even remember anything that did not have her smiling face. I was useless, slumped against the wall in my bedroom. My room was still clean and organized like it had been this morning when she was still mine. I didn't have the heart to trash it and destroy everything like I was aching to. It would just serve as more evidence that she was truly gone.

_* ******'** *** ** **** ******'** *** **** ****_

I managed to look up from the carpet to look at my nightstand. I saved up for months to buy her the ring that sat at the bottom of that drawer. I had it for the past two months. I wanted to propose. I took all my time in planning the proposal, only to cancel them at the last minute. I must've canceled at least twenty different extravagant proposals. I couldn't make up my mind. Nothing seemed good enough for her. Now I found myself wishing that I had gotten down on one knee the very day that I bought the ring. I would've done anything if that meant that she would still be with me now.

_'*** * *** ***** **** ** ** *** ***_

I closed my eyes. I could've sworn that I was delusional when I felt her warm smooth lips pressed against my cheek. I almost didn't want to open my eyes, afraid that the illusion would end. But if I was hallucinating, I might as well enjoy the view. No view was better than Bella. Hallucination or not.

The pressure on my cheek disappeared only to appear again on my lips. My eyes snapped open. I was overjoyed to find that my imagination was able to conjure up an image that was just as beautiful as the real thing. I didn't think that was possible.

In my defense, I couldn't help myself. My shaky hand lifted up to brush against her smooth cheek. It was as pale and smooth as ever, but I could feel the dried tears on her skin. She shouldn't be crying. My one hallucination that was so perfect that I could feel her touch and it had to be of her crying. She gasped and pulled back. I missed the warmth of her lips immediately. I brushed her silky hair behind her shoulder.

Her beautiful brown eyes opened. They were red and puffy. I could see her emotions swirling in their chocolaty depth. Worry, fear relief, happiness, and most of all, shock. Bella grabbed my shaking hand and held it to her chest. The feel of her hand in mine was indescribable.

"Edward?" Her voice was like music. It was soft, calming and has never once failed to bring a smile to my face. This time was no exception.

I could feel exhaustion creeping up on me and I fought it with all I had. I didn't want to leave my Bella, whether it was a hallucination or not.

She was my heart. It was hers from the very first moment that I saw her. It was practically encoded in my DNA to love her with all that I had in me.

She was everything to me and she would never be any less.

My precious soap bubble. At times she would seem so fragile, but I know that she is the strongest person I have ever met

The only future I had. The only future that I would ever dream of wanting.

All of that was gone.

_*'* ****_

_'*** * **** **** ** **** ***'* *****_

I woke up with a start. In front of me was the annoying carpet that I had tried so hard to beat up. I was surprised to find out that I had managed to sleep without Bella in my arms. I couldn't remember the last time that I had slept without her, nor did I want to.

I would've tried to sleep again, but it would be pointless. There was only one thing on my mind.

Staggering downstairs, I eventually made my way to the living room. In the corner was my piano. There were so many memories attached to that one instrument.

Bella was making dinner and had kicked me out of the kitchen. She had claimed that since I cooked yesterday, it was her turn. She forbid me to help her. I had started to play on the piano. When I started to play the song that she was currently obsessing over, she rushed into the room. It wasn't until we heard the fire alarm that she remembered she left the stove on.

_**** **'** ***** **_

I was planning to live like that for the rest of my life. To spend eternity with her.

I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, but I found myself at the door with my keys in hand. I opened the door to see the lush front yard. There was a large tree with a deserted bird's nest.

The memory flashed before my eyes. I had come home a bit later than usual to find my reason for living dangerously perched on one of the braches. I didn't even stop the engine, I just ran out and demanded that she come down. Although the ground was never actually safe for her, it was far more preferable than the tree.

She had smiled back at me and shown me the baby bird in her hand. I watched anxiously as she scooted closer the edge of the branch and set the tiny animal in its home. She had just set it down when one of its siblings pecked at her finger.

Being Bella, the small peck had surprised her enough to make her fall out of the tree. She didn't get hurt, but my back was seriously sore for the next few days.

_**** *** **** ****?_

But like the birds in the tree, she had flown away. There were no birds. There was no more Bella that would constantly baby me, apologizing for falling on me.

And as much as I prayed otherwise, she wouldn't come back.

Because I didn't deserve her, I never did. I always knew that. I wasn't fast enough. My hold wasn't strong enough. I simply wasn't enough.

_**** *'* ****** * *****_

I pulled out of the driveway and drove around endlessly.

I passed the bookstore and I could almost see her dashing excitedly inside. I would follow her inside, laughing at her reaction.

_*'* *****' ** *** ** ***** ** _

I found myself parked in front of a club. We had come here together whenever one of us were stressed. I walked in, barely even seeing the flashing lights or the mass of bodies moving together. I made my way to the bar. Drinking away my pain sounded very tempting at this point.

_*** * **** **** *** **** **** ***'** *** ***** *** * ***** ***_

"Hey, welcome back!" Seth, the bartender greeted me. Normally, I would laugh and talk with him, Bella joining in with me, but I didn't feel like talking. I didn't even feel like moving. All I felt was that crushing feeling that I was slowly growing familiar with.

"Edward? What's wrong?" Seth said, his tone was worried and didn't have the happy ring in it that it had earlier. "Where's your Bellsy?" Seth always joked about how her laughter reminded him of bells.

I groaned at the mention of her name and buried my face into my arms as I slumped over the counter.

"She's gone," I managed to say.

"Oh no," he gasped, horrified. "She isn't_ gone _gone, is she?"

I croaked out an agonized no.

_** ****** *'** ** ******* **** *'** *****_

As bad as the pain was now, I could only imagine what it would feel like if she had been torn from my side and ceased to exist. I don't know how I would be able to function if that ever came to be.

_****'* **** *** *** ** ****_

I should've loved her more. I should've shown it more. I should've made her happier.

_*'* ******** *** * *** ** *******_

There had to have been something that I could've done to avoid this.

_*** *'* ** *** ****_

"I can't say that I saw this coming, because I never did," he muttered. "Would you…like something to drink?" I didn't answer because I didn't even know what I would like anymore, except for the obvious.

"Here you go, it's on the house." I heard the sound of glass in front of me. Seth's voice was soft and worried, as if I would break at any second. The assumption wasn't completely wrong. "Hey, why don't you try to distract yourself. There are some girls over there."

I looked up at his worried expression. I pushed away the glass and walked out of the club. As I walked out, I saw a girl with the same mahogany hair passionately kissing another. The silky locks of an angel was being caressed by another.

The lights flashed and I could clearly see that the girl didn't have the same heart shaped face and brown eyes that I was so in love with.

_* ***** **** **** ****'* ******_

She didn't have the same pale white skin. She didn't have the same lower lip that was slightly fuller than her top. She didn't have the same heart stopping smile. She didn't have the same petite shoulders.

_*'* ***** ******* ** ***** **** **** *'* *****_

It was almost pathetic the amount of time that I spent thinking about her. Even when she was mine, my thoughts often consisted only of her. I walked out of the club and practically flung my shell of a body into my car. The car that should've had her scent embedded into the leather of the passenger seat.

Suddenly, a course of action occurred to me. I felt idiotic for sitting here when I should've been chasing her. I pulled out my phone and pressed speed dial one.

_*** *** *'* ******' **** ***'* **** ** *** *****_

I stared at the piece of plastic in my hand as the ringing stopped earlier than it normally would. She had ignored the call. This was the first time since our six month anniversary when she had planned a surprise for me.

It was final now. She didn't want me. She didn't even want to hear from me. There was something about an ignored call that seemed to finalize everything.

_'***** * *** *****_

For the first time since my biological mother died, I broke down and cried.

For the first time since I was eight, Bella was not here to comfort me. She was not here to wrapped her arms around me and say that everything would be fine. She was not here to help me hold my tears in.

For the very first time, my gentle Bella hurt me. My heart wasn't broken, it was gone.

And I found myself giving up. I started the engine and drove aimlessly. Some part of me knew where I was going. My body was on autopilot. I drove past the road that led to our meadow.

_**** **'** ***** **_

That meadow was where we pledged our love for each other. We said we would be together forever.

It was the place that she finally understood exactly how much I cared for her. I told her she was my world. She still is.

I remembered when she would paint the picture of our future. The future that was now out of reach.

Pulling over, I got out of my car. A couple feet in front of me was a path that I was very familiar with. It led to the cliff where we had first met.

I walked down the trail that was barely there.

_**** *** **** ****?_

Wishing that somehow she would be there, waiting at the end, I pushed away the ferns.

The view from the cliff was beautiful. The sun that was barely visible on the horizon painted the entire sky with a rainbow. I was often surprised that no one found the place, but overjoyed that this was our secret place.

I walked to the edge and crashed to the ground. I clutched the grass and stared at the jagged rocks beneath. The waves crashed against them, creating a white mist.

I wished that she was happy. I hoped that whoever she chose deserved her. I prayed that maybe one day I could deserve her.

_** ***'* **** ***** ******** *** **** ***** **_

At the very least, I had the memories. I remembered when I tried to teach her the piano. I could still see the happiness in her eyes when she learned to play her lullaby.

_** ***'* **** ***** ******** *** **** ***** **_

I remembered when she pelted me with snowballs as soon as I got home. I never stood a chance, I was just lucky that her aim was terrible.

_*** *** ****'** **** *** ***'** ******* **** *** ***** **** **** **********_

I desperately wished for just another day with her. I would make her the happiest woman on the earth. I'd give her everything.

_** ***'* **** ***** ******** *** **** ***** **_

She always wanted to visit Europe. She wanted to share a kiss on top of the Eiffel Tower. She wanted to try foreign food with me. She wanted to see the auroras. She wanted to go scuba diving. I would give it to her.

_** ***'* **** ***** ******** *** **** ***** **_

My Bella wanted to learn how to dance with me without stepping on my feet. She wanted to see me in concert. She wanted to publish a book. She had hundreds of wishes, and I was planning to grant all of them.

_*** *** ****'** **** *** ***'** ******* **** *** ***** **** **** **********_

She's gone now, but I'd still give her everything that her heart desired. Her wish was my command.

I couldn't fathom a life without her. She was all I had. All I wanted. All I needed.

I looked down below me at the jagged rocks that would guarantee death. It would be a solution to the nightmare that I was in.

I couldn't be with her here. If I jumped, I could wait for her in heaven, if that was where I would end up. I would wait for her. I'd look after her until she died and then, maybe we could still be friends.

_**** **'** ***** **_

I could either look after her for an eternity or I can walk the earth without her. It wasn't hard to see the preferable option. I jumped. The air whooshed past me. I felt a sharp pain in my head when I finally reached to rocks. **(I should just leave the story here. You'd all think that he died.)**

I stared at the white walls of my bedroom, but I wasn't seeing a wall. It was a ceiling. I wasn't in my bedroom. I was in the hospital. I had survived. Internally, I cursed the idiot that thought he would be doing me a favor by "saving" me.

I looked at the machines next to me. I would unplug them immediately if it would send me back into that sweet darkness where there was no pain. But it wouldn't do anything to help me, it would only allow me to feel my physical injuries.

There was a window in the hospital room. I stared out at the light blue glow that was streaming inside. It was probably in the early hours of the morning. I closed my eyes. Unable to sleep, I just lay there, thinking about Bella.

I don't know how long I spent dreaming about a future that was entirely out of my reach.

_**** *** **** ****?_

I lay there in the uncomfortable hospital bed for hours. I heard soft footsteps and the door opened. It was probably a nurse making sure that I was healthy and not dying like how I would prefer. Soft hands held one of mine. I felt the familiar electricity run up my arm.

Opening my eyes, I saw the only angel I would ever want to see. So maybe I was successful in my suicide attempt. She gasped and tears streaked down her cheeks. She didn't look very healthy for an angel. She looked a bit paler than I remembered. Her eyes were puffy and had dark rings underneath.

"Edward!" she gasped, throwing herself on me. She kissed every part of my skin that she could reach. It felt like bliss. "You scared me so much." She let out a laugh, but it didn't sound happy. "The one time that the perfect Edward Anthony Masen Cullen tripped it has to be down the stairs."

Stairs? I jumped off a cliff. What in the world was she talking about?

"What are you talking about? I jumped off a cliff," I said. My voice was rough. I made a mental note to drink lots of water afterwards.

"You don't remember?" She looked at me worriedly. I shook my head. "I don't know how, but I'm assuming you tripped down the stairs. I came home to find you passed out and bleeding on the floor. I managed to call the hospital before the blood got to me. You scared me to death. I think I understand why you treat me like a porcelain doll, now. I don't know what I would do if I ever lost you."

My mind raced as I processed her words. If she doesn't want to lose me, then that must mean that she cares, at least a little bit.

"Do you still love me," I blurted out. I regretted it immediately. If she didn't, I could live without hearing her say it.

"Are you crazy?! When could I have possibly stopped?" The pain was gone. I could breathe. It never happened. She was still mine. "Edward, really? What are you talking about? Did you really think that just because you had a half second of clumsiness that I would suddenly stop loving you?"

I knew now. I had one of the worst nightmares in my life. I told her about it. She swore that something that ridiculous would never happen. She also decided to get someone to build a rail on that cliff. To say that I was happy was an understatement. It felt so real. I never took her for granted before, but I understood now what it meant when people said that you don't know what you have until it's gone.

I couldn't wait till they released me. The first thing that I would do is get down on one knee with that ring and propose to my goddess. I wasn't going to risk losing her. Ever.

* * *

**I hope I did this right :) I bet the thoughts got repetitive somewhere in there, huh?**

**Oh yeah, I forgot a disclaimer.**

**Disclaimer: The characters and the song (that I censored) does NOT belong to me.**


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